Original article published here
So your public school education taught you that sex should only occur between a man and a woman for reproductive purposes. Now that you’re an adult you know that having an active, consensual sex life is healthy, but that doesn’t mean you know what sex even is quite yet, although you’re definitely determined to figure it out. Here are some awkward sex moves that say, “I want to do this, but I have no formal education or reference points to help me do so.”
Grind your hips?
The best way to begin a sexual encounter is to take clothes off while you’re still actively shirking residual guilt from your teenage years. Go ahead and let your hips start grinding! This is a big part of sex in the HBO shows you used to watch at your friend Crystal’s house, so get those hips busy until your lower back is sore. Are you doing this right? Just keep tilting your body weight with your hips until you’ve moved on from foreplay to the main event. Say, “This feels good” and hope it comes true!
Squeeze some stuff.
Because of your abstinence-only education, you only recently realized that you can use more of your body than just your genitals, and that sex is not just for having babies. With that in mind, there is no specific way you should touch your partner, but something involving pressure should be good. Simply ask your partner if you can give ‘em a good old squeeze. Any squeeze should do the trick; you can get the hang of it as you go! Aim for a nice, big handful to properly arouse your partner. This is how they do it, right?
Applaud the penis!
You’ve fumbled your way through foreplay, but now it’s time for the main event. As soon as the penis goes into the vagina, cheer! You did it! Celebrate with a round of thunderous applause. You did sex! Make sure the penis knows you’re grateful, as sex is only good for procreation and affirming masculinity. Heck, maybe you’ll even do it again!
Congratulations—you just had sex, probably! Using these cool sex moves, your partner surely will know that your high school sex ed. was definitely taught by gym teachers, nuns, or your mom’s friend!