Being a bisexual, I felt like (for lack of a better word) I had lost my virginity twice – the first time I slept with a (cisgender) man and the first time I slept with a (cisgender) woman. For me, I’d seen heterosexual sex represented everywhere from TV to the unhealthy amount of Cosmo I read as a teenager. But for me having sex with a (cisgender) woman for the first time was like the first time I drove a car – I was terrified and had no idea what I was doing.
Here are my top 5 things I wish that someone had told me before then:
- Penis in Vagina is not the only type of sex
Virtually all representations of sex involve a penis going into a vagina and there isn’t a huge amount of variety. You may not know this because literally nobody will tell you (unless you’ve had a talk from the wonderful YEP crew!) There are a bunch of different types of ways to get off with people of all genital varieties and none of these are ‘better’ or more valid than any of the others. Sex can mean whatever it means to you.
- Having the same genitalia as someone doesn’t automatically mean you’ll know what to do.
I always had a naïve assumption that because I had a vagina I had a mystical insight into all vaginas. While it certainly means you have already busted some common misconceptions, (the female orgasm is real everybody) everyone is different and communication is still key.
- You don’t have to be out to have queer sex.
The first time I had sex I wasn’t out to myself or anyone else, and this meant when I had sex with a woman people accused me of being selfish or deceptive. Those people were assholes. As long as sex is having between two consenting people of consensual age then that’s fine. If anyone tells you otherwise they are also assholes.
- Having sex won’t mean you have an epiphany about your sexuality.
While having sex is an important step for a lot of people, if you were questioning your sexuality beforehand there is a good chance you will be as or more confused afterwards. For other people, it will be a really validating experience. For some people, it won’t change anything at all. The best part is that all of these things are ok.
- Whatever happens you’ll be ok
Questioning your sexuality and doing new things for the first time can be scary and confusing and weird, but no matter what happens you will be ok.
Enjoy your lady loving, pals <3